Shadow Conversations

When we come together in community, there will always be people in the conversation whose comfort zone and strengths support shadow conversations. The problem with shadow conversations and questions is not that they're wrong or invalid. It's that they have no power to make a difference in the world. They don't have the power to build community.

Problem conversations are about what bothers us. It's a conversation about what we don't like, don't want, what annoys and frustrates us, the people we call enemies and adversaries. Identifying these is not the same as allowing them to dominate the energy in our conversations. It's always productive to name the problems that plague us, and then to transition to one of the transformation conversations. All communities have complaints and grievances and wounds and there is always mythology around the notion that venting toxicity will create space for dreams, small acts, invitations, and gifts. This is good in theory but in practice, it is often a postponement of intentional conversations.

Consensus conversations are about the kinds of agreements and permissions we think we need before we engage in a possible small act on our dream. It's a focus on the political endorsement, support, and majority agreement we lack.Waiting for consensus can be a postponement of invitations and small acts. Trying to get everyone to sign up to any one idea or direction prevents people from pursuing their own dreams as owners of these dreams. The reality is that we don't need to agree on everything for any of us to take action in the direction of our dreams. There are many small acts and invitations that do not require permission, support, or even interest from the whole. Actually, one of the more effective ways to slow down action in a community is to narrow down the rich diversity of projects and possibilities that can engage people yet to be engaged.

Deficiencies conversations are about what we're lacking. They're about gaps and needs, obstacles and constraints. It's about what we don't have and can't do. Focusing on deficiencies can be an excuse to avoid commitments to action. Truth is, we will always have deficiencies of one kind or another. More than that, every amazing advancement in the history of human experience came about with incredible amounts of deficiencies. Focusing on what we lack distracts us from what we have. Engaging imperfect gifts can do more than any amount of waiting for better or more gifts.

Blame conversations are about who else we can talk about who's not in the room. It is always tempting to assign responsibility of our future to the people, leaders, and institutions that we believe are more powerful than we are or ever could be. It's about who isn't and who hasn't taken care of the problems we name. Talking about them is easy, and excuses us from acting with the freedom we have to move toward a new future in steps. And as long as we don't invite them into the conversation, they may never have the opportunity to partner with us in creating a new future together. Blame is a declaration of our innocence and therefore our identities as victims. It is how we give our power away.

The shadow conversations keep us stuck, at odds, feeling like hopeless victims of forces and changes outside our control. They prevent access to our sense of imagination, our capacity for passion, and the depth of our individual and collective strengths. They take away our vision and power.

Some shadow conversations are sincere, driven by their own agendas. Some are sinister, victims of unhealed injustices from a week or a generation ago. If we allow them to dominate the space, they will prevent conversations that build community, sending the whole process into a downward spiral and ultimately sending everyone home until a next crises calls them back to the table.

In the best cases, some shadow conversationalists have gifts, ideas, and willingness to commit to action that can be engaged in the four conversations that build community. A skillful and intentional group will engage the right people at the right time. The mindset is always the same. However attached people are to shadow conversations, we need to keep inviting them into community building conversations until they either engage or leave in sheer disinterest.